Royal Xmas poem is coming to town You better not cry or pout, but do watch out for the silly rhymes

OPINION |

Note from the “poet:” I have been writing ridiculous poems like the one below for a long time but it was slow to dawn on me that another was needed this year. That’s because the looming political darkness had me thinking anything but warm holiday thoughts. Then a walk in the nearest downtown reminded me that most people are still smiling and not just politely and many are needy and will become even needier if we give in to The Terribleness ahead. At that point I decided that bad rhymes won’t hurt anything. My favorite memory from a trip to Mexico City was the one quick smile from an old woman who needed a minute of help putting a tarp over her booth of trinkets when the rain surprised her. That’s it. Maybe I can force a smile here.

By Royal Calkins

Twas just days before the Christmas of 2024
A year many of us never thought we’d see
My stepmother’s stepsister rose up from the floor
To shout at the creaky old guy who called himself Flea

Up on the roof there came a cacophony
Of hoof sounds, just what could they be?
It was the Trump brothers with their slick hair
Grinning like con men breaking into our lair

But we paid them no mind, gave no attention
Cuz we had letters to write about the midterm election
And neighbors who might soon be deported
But maybe we won’t know because it won’t be reported

If you’ve noticed that the rhyme pattern here isn’t steady
Must be because you’ve read my old work already
So just get used to it, my hero George Riley
Because the option is no darned rhyme at all

Now let’s get on with it and send Xmas kisses to Parson, Larry
Whose name lost an S to make it easier to rhyme
Tinselly thoughts to Jeannie Marino and sweet Adams, Mary
For Fred Hernandez and Ginger Cabrera, a good time

Joe and Loma Livernois get a tree for their Livingroom
A basket of forward thinking to young Kate Daniels 
And Glenn Church and Wendy Root Askewboom
Are gifted some Luis Alejo corrective manuals

Then there’s Tyller Williamson, Alan Haffa, Cathy Giger, 
Jeanne Turner, Sandy Nunnelly, hearts getting bigger.
Monica Scuito gets a slice of prosciutto with cheese
To Yuri Anderson and Libby Downey, let’s get along, please

Tina Nieto’s opening a box of get-out-of-town tickets for Deputy Dogg
Whose regular posts make as much sense as a frog
A general plan with teeth would make the season for Mike de Lappa
And here are Jessica Tomei and Chris Davi with some Xmas wrapper

Ann Hill gets a pill, Ron Chesshire gets a free pass
MAGA groups, just go away and stick it up your something
Nicely though. For Wes White here’s a whole new tank of gas
Dennis Donohue, a prize for winning with little truthering

Dave Kellogg, the Dennis Taylors, retiring Steve Packer
Pam Dozier, the Ordonios, get each a Xmas cracker
You probably can tell that I’m thinking about rhymes
Before the names so the doggerel will ring like chimes

Bev and hubby Bean, of course, get protest signs and a horse
Sun Street, Dorothy’s Place, the shelters all need a hand
Help them find food and beds without any force
Solve that problem soonest and you get a big brass band

A lump of coal to old Cal Am and maybe a scrap of old ham
But for Joe Cubbage, a script for his plot and some backup
The Farrells, Jesse from the gym, Sara Rubin and her fam
Get time with Scott Miller, Eric Peterson, Geri Mooneyham

Bill Monning and Dana Kent get each other for another season
But it seems Zan Henson left us early for no good reason
Like Brent Bispo super surfer, still wrapped things under the tree 
Kind of a gloomy streak right here but gloom it seems is free

Adiós mis amigos, José y María, you might not have a home here
If things go like they might and being left alone takes a fight
To all of us, the strength to resist, the sense to do what’s right
Or we’ll end up in a place you have to mine for some cheer

When we toss out the tree this year toss too complacency
James meet Sue meet the old guy next door who is ready
To stand for what’s right to stand up to the storm
Cuz the racist stuff they’re spewing cannot become the norm

Let’s hope they leave NPS and DLI alone, not for what they do
But what they pipe into the precious Peninsula economy
Get to work, Leon, Jimmy, Fred, call your friends in the D.C. zoo
Peninsula preachers, arise and maybe quote Deuteronomy

Protect our babies, our beaches, the workers, the sunsets
Don’t let DJT ruin it, leaving little but regrets
Put your money into the midterms and your back to the tide
Join the underground, put files in cakes, nurture your pride

So wrap those presents, darlings, and light that lineup of candle
Enjoy time with your buddies, your crazy aunts and little brother
Remember when my oldest began to cry cuz she couldn’t handle
How beautiful they were, the lights, the music, all them together

So happy new year C. Schneider, B. Baughn and other plotters
Dave Stoldt, Nancy Amadeo, Mary Barker, Tom Moore, 
Summer, Sarah, Bobby Richardson, your dog, Gary Dotters
The poem’s now too long, getting close to the floor

So to Claudia M., a box of extra time, and Julia R., a sunny clime
Paul Wilner needs more readers, Nader Agha needs your dime
Jim Morton, Steve Hunt, Matt Boensel get bonks from a weighted ball
Christy H., Miranda T., Maddie G., nice dresses for the ball.

And to all a good night.

And a special Voices salute to Dr. Jamie Woods, who left us this month after a full life of healing babies, fixing hurt workers, meditating, mediating and making his friends smile.

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