Another holiday poem that you’ll regret reading Consider this Royal's Christmas Cheer


By Royal Calkins

It was coming on Christmas all over the coast
One of the mothers was up making toast
The other one was trying to sleep
She had told the kids to not make a peep

When suddenly there was a noise like a B-52
Coupled with screeches much like a shrew
The fake Monterey icicles shook off of the eaves
Soon they too had fallen, what was left of the leaves

Mama No. 2 bolted upright and ran from the bed
Fearing that maybe it was a flashback in her head
With toddlers around her like chicks to a hen
They took turns running outside again and then again

What did they spy as they turned upward their eyes?
Well there on the roof was a terrible surprise
It was a clot of tiny reindeer with even tinier wings
And a fat orange-faced intruder starting to sing

“Oh, no don’t,” mamas A and B shouted in unison
“Your presence is wrecking our tableau,” you silly old one
Cuz though he looked sorta like a crude Santa Claus
His demeanor and sneer gave them great pause

It was a former president up there on the roof
In a red baseball cap that made him look like a goof
“I’ll bring you NFT presents, but first I’ll take your money away
“Because my elves say you didn’t vote the right way”

But before things could proceed to anything bad
They kids unrolled the unfrozen hose that they had
They squirted that grinch not just once or twice
But until his bubbly physique was covered in ice

“Forget him,” the mamas said to the kids at their feet
“Let’s go back inside and turn up the heat.
“This fellow got lost on his way somewhere wrong
“Around here we sing peaceful songs”

“Well let’s finish the holiday cards,” a little one yelled
In the kitchen where the baked goods really smelled
“We’ll say happy day to the people we adore
“And send coal to those we don’t like no more”

And with that they all sat down around the table
And crafted messages as quick as they were able
To the folks of Monterey, Salinas and little San Ardo
And PG and Spreckels, and one guy over by Fresno

Happy holidays they wrote Mary Adams and Wendy, askew
We don’t know who’s a Lutheran and who is a Jew
So we’ll be pretty generic, one thought fits all
For those who kneel down or who don’t pray at all

Lovely new year then, to North County’s Glenn Church
Thanks for sliding Supervisor Phillips off his perch
And cheers to the new sheriff, Tina Nieto, of course
Who could look almost tall in her hat on a big horse

Happy days to Bobby Richards, Jason Campbell, Steve Hunt
Same to the Ragsdale-Cronins, Pam Dozier, Peter Funt
Under the mistletoe Mary Barker, Monica Sciuto, Tom Moore
It’s not just presents that we came here for

Some sweets for Allison Kerr, B. Monning gets a sweater
Ian Oglesby, your votes are sure getting better
The LAFCO board overall though gets some old coal
For on water and sprawl they have sold their soul

Terry Soria and family get a big  box of cheer
For Peter and Robin, we’ve got treats over here
Dave Kellogg gets more staff all wrapped up in down
Charles McKee gets a free trip out of town

Steve Bernal gets a new pick for his guitar
We all knew he would never go far
While Christian Schneider gets good judges for his suit
Joe Moses et al get a big shiny boot

About Karin Strasser Kauffman, what can we say?
She was great on the board and is still quite OK
Sandy Nunnally, too nice for this world
Gets a party dress in which she’ll be twirled

George Riley gets anything he could ever desire
For helping to spark so much activist fire
Jane Haines, Joy Colangelo, Amy Adams and friends
They do what is right, never mind the trends

Larry Parsons and Joe L. get a giant kerfuffle
Cal Am’s PR spin should get a big muffle
So we don’t have to hear about how much they care
About our water. If they could they’d sell our air

Carl Christensen gets a bucket of notes in tune
Larry Parrish, Jan Shriner, Dave Jackson, bright balloons
Victoria Manley Thompson gets a holiday hug
Also Libby Downey, Nancy Selfridge, cute as a bug

Even more energy for Sara Rubin and David Schmaltz
In most of their work we don’t find any faults
Sam Spadoni, Joe Martinez, Jose Mendoza and others
Thanks for helping your uniformed brothers

Dan and Jeanne Turner have everything they need
So all they get this year is a pack of heirloom seed
The Gigers get the gift of safe travel to and fro
For John Thornburg, maybe a move to Idaho

For Tyller Williamson, some extra polish for your crown
About time something new happened in your town
For the good ol’ boys of old Monterey
Play some golf or something, don’t get in his way

Warm pudding for the Del Pieros and Ron Chesshire
Sorry I really can’t read what it says here
But a gift bag for Alan Haffa and Jose Celaya
Marcos and Ginger, love and a yuletide papaya

A big box of cards for Ann Hill to help her campaign
She helped Raphael Warnock win a toast of champagne
Janet Brennan, the LWV, Glen Robinson, Beverly Bean
Here’s hoping next year is the best you’ve ever seen

To DA Jeannine Pacioni, a reminder not to just charge the poor
Some folks in office need a swat of justice even more
Judge Mark Hood gets a box of holiday cheer
His sentencing of the Toro Park guy was the best of the year

To those who read Voices, some strong reading glasses
To those who don’t, you oughta get off your, your molasses
To those who contribute to Voices of Monterey Bay
There’s wit and wisdom headed out your way

To those who never voted for the MAGA-hatted lumps
A package filled with hugs and fist bumps
And to those who sent money to help Ukraine
A new year better than we can explain

To the children and the old folks, the lonely and the sad
We have warm thoughts and bad jokes, none to make you mad
To everyone in Chualar, Gonzales, Del Rey Oaks
A box of memories about the cousins and the folks

‘Twas another year even crazier than the last one
But mostly we made it, this trip around the sun
So treat you and yours as warmly as you can
Take a rest, do your best, and see if there might just be one last cookie in the pan

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Royal Calkins

About Royal Calkins

Contributing writer Royal Calkins has worked for newspapers in Santa Cruz, Monterey and Fresno. For the past couple of years, he has produced a local news and commentary blog, the Monterey Bay Partisan. He can be reached at

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