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By Royal Calkins
It has become a holiday tradition hereabouts, an annual outpouring of doggerel from Royal Calkins, who, as far as anyone can tell, has never come up with an actually clever rhyme or anything beyond a merely acceptable attempt. Look closely and you’ll also see that the rhyme patterns change solely for his convenience. Please feel free to click on the comment button below and add a verse or two of your own.
Twas the week before Christmas
And all through the region
Not a creature was stirring
Not even a pigeon
The coastal elites were all tucked
Snugly in their downy beds
While the inlanders tried to stay warm
Thick hats on frowny heads
Pops was snoring, he’d sipped a bit before
Mama was drifting from half an Ativan
The kids, on their machines, zapping
Each zombie, each warlock, every sorta human
Then from up on the roof
There came quite a clatter.
Pops said he’d check it out
But the neighbor, he stole the ladder
So they simply sat there and waited
For a craft of some sort to get all landed
And a big bearded guy to get out and stretch.
Before starting to pass things out, evenly handed
He said there wasn’t enough stuff to go around
That he’d run out of cards, “Such a bummer.”
So all he could do was shout greetings
Only regards, no watches, not a tie, certainly no Hummer
But he figured his sincerity
Would wow the crowd
Combined with rotten poetry
Delivered in a voice way too loud
The heartiest and most vocalistic tidings
He/him sent to those we care about the most
Those who have done good work
Who deserve a hug and a hearty Xmas toast
Folks like Matt Huerta, George Riley, Libby Downey
Jan Shriner, Alvin Edwards and Jon Ordonio
Annalisa Mitchell, Ian Oglesby, Bobby Richards, of course
People in Spreckels and Big Sur and all over Californio
Denese Sanders and sweet hubby Grant Leonard
Have earned their rest and a world filled with art
Phil Penko, Melodie Chrislock, Aurelio Salazar, too
Along with Beverly Bean, they’ve all done their part
Kate Edwards, Peter and Robin, Mike DeLapa, Jane Haines
Take a seat by the fire, forget all your pains
Celeste and Dania, Paul Wilner, Claire Fay
Toss snowballs at Carmel’s Byrne family, but not all day
Sandy Nunnally gets an orange and so does Michael Jones
Alison Kerr’s stocking is filled with A’s for her efforts
Debra Gramespacher gets a chord from Bill Rawson’s banjo tones
Irwin Speizer earns applause, Michelle Welsh profits from her torts
For the Del Pieros, Eric and Marc and their families
Extra bowls of cioppino with garlicky bread
Packages of blankets and trinkets, baubles and beads
For Cristina Medina and that Hernandez guy, Fred
Dan Turner gets a smile, wife Jeanne gets a break
Larry Parrish some varnish, Keith Vandevere some maps
Loms Livernois a place for her figs, maybe a steak (for rhyming purposes only)
Nancy Selfridge and Joy Colangelo, some dumb Santa caps
Beat Giger, Patty Lamar, Steve Hunt, Bruce Delgado
All warrant chocolate cherries as does Janet Brennan,
A vacation for Charlie Marlowe, Mary Barker, Gary Figuero(a)
A cache of cash for Sara Rubin and Fahselt, OK, another Brennan
Not everyone deserves filled up stockings, of course
Cuz some of you were better
But some of you were worse
And there are those who deserve a little Xmas curse
We’ll start with Cal Am, the giant water hoarder
Which hopes to pump everything from here to the border
While raising fees for the poorest among us
And when called on it put up an unholy fuss
For the big Water Co. bosses, a gift of back pockets
For all the toadying officials they’re been carrying around
And to make room in the pants now for the LAFCO folks
Who stifled the voters with pale arguments unsound
So lumps of coal for Poitras, Lopez and Gourley
Who treated democracy and the people awfully poorly
That Mary Ann Leffel needs a shot of coal in her nog
And Kimbley Craig, instead of votes maybe a log
The best thing that happened this year
Was Sheriff Bernal’s announced retirement
Some of his charges will have less to fear
Regimes like his are a true test of government
There’s much more to say about this year that is passing
It’s almost 2022, this decade is obviously flashing…
By quicker than it should, even for a rough year
Another COVID year, a time with not enough cheer
Some fight over the words used as greetings
And refuse to wear masks as they gather for meetings
The Democrats remain timid, the Repubs have gone off a cliff
A mid-mid-term election will be here in a jiff
But back to the Ho Ho Ho stuff, enough of the snark
Cause the holidays should be like a walk in the park
A cold walk but a pleasant trek nonetheless
With him in his kerchief and them in their warmest dress
So on with you Donder and Blitzen, grumpy Larry Parsons
And Jessica Tomei and Julie Reynolds, some hot holiday buns
David Schmalz, Christopher Neely, Felix Cortez, even Dan Green
May your presents be the most acceptable that you’ve ever seen
Did we mention Gordon Smith, heck, we’ll mention him again
He’s a Santa of sorts and most of the kids deserve it.
When Glenn Church gets elected, he can get rid of some hen(s)
For David Jackson, how about some Dead and no Travis Tritt
A new tiara for Sygale Lomas and one for sweet Jeanne Marino
Christy H, Virg ‘N Ed, Marcos and Ginger, Vern Sullivano,
Each should look deep into their socks
‘Cuz they’re filled with good luck and Amazon stocks
Well enough of this already, the rhymes are getting dumber
The Voices layout people already see this as a bummer
So instead of more names I’ll be really inclusive
And wrap you all in last lines that are conclusive
Merry whatever, happy solstice, good luck, adios
Bon Voyage, Happy Birthday, hope you can still touch your toes
Times are tough, times are perfect, there is hope on its way
Happy or sad, tomorrow is another day
Yes for some times are tough, for others too easy
The loneliness of many should make us all queasy
But may we all enjoy the quiet, the songs and the lights
So Happy Everything, Everybody, and have a good night(s).
P.S.
I’m reminded that I have neglected my Fresno peeps
The ones who are so often quite stunning
Folks like Mark Arax, Henry Graves and funny Leslie Cunning
Ned Saiki, old Ron Becker, young Tom Tom and of course Jim Guy
And for the Visalia folks, like Greg and Steve, here’s a slice of Christmas pie
Good bye
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