HUMOR, SORT OF |
Story and photos by Joe Livernois
On the approach of the one-year anniversary of the COVID-19 pandemic shutdown, I present selected entries from the Joe Livernois Personal Pandemic News Feed:
March 12 — Started the day feeding the dog, checked social media for clever POTUS tweets about a virus in Wuhan, and strolled through the neighborhood, like an innocent without a worry in the world.
March 15 — Plans for a madcap weekend at Disneyland are canceled after reports that Goofy infected the cast of Bear Country Jamboree with bat flu. We stay home and binge-watch every episode of Disney’s True-Life Adventures.
March 17 — The whole damn world slams shut. POTUS tweets that it’s no big deal and that the whole thing is a global hoax masterminded by global masterminds, except that if it turns out that the virus is real and it kills a lot of people it will be China’s fault and not his.
March 19 — On a personal level, I learned that I’m capable of scrubbing my hands with Brillo and Comet cleanser for a full 20 minutes.
March 25 — Cruise passengers who have been quarantined on a ship for two weeks are off-loaded to Asilomar, inspiring hundreds of Pacific Grove residents to whine incessantly about white refugees fresh off the boat.
March 26 — Declaring that farmworkers are essential to the fate of America’s future, POTUS orders the immediate deportation of all agricultural employees.
April 7 — Sourdough starter birthed. Cannabis seeds sprouted. Facial hair ignored.
April 10 — Asserting yet again that COVID is a hoax perpetrated by Bill Gates and a cabal of commie antifas, POTUS stops all imports from China in an effort to halt the spread of hoax COVID.
April 12 — The U.S. economy collapses after consumers are unable to obtain basic goods and services from China.
April 14 — California Gov. Gavin Newsom clears the beaches, imposes an 8 p.m. curfew and requires restaurant employees to stand on one leg while working in the kitchen.
April 22 — On a personal note, I’m up at the crack of dawn to stand in line outside Costco to buy 196 rolls of toilet paper and 12 pounds of steel-cut oats.
April 24 — POTUS tweets that he’s speeding up development of vaccines and reiterates that COVID-19 is a complete fiction masterminded by The New York Times so it can sell more papers and distract him from the important presidential work of diddling American porn stars.
April 30 — Pacific Grove police officer blames cruise ship refugees for affixing white supremacist window stickers on his Bubba truck.
May 12 — The owner of a charming Carmel restaurant defies Health Department orders and continues to openly spit in customers’ food, making him an instant Tucker Carlson hero.
May 16 — Sourdough starter bubbles from pantry into “mudroom.” Cannabis seeds produce tiny green Salvador Dali faces. Facial hair develops its own nervous twitch.
May 26 — The owner of the charming Carmel restaurant announces that, in the interest of efficiency, he will no longer keep his restaurant open but will instead shoot your grandmother in the head upon request. Meanwhile, a kooky Carmel artist swallows 16 live bats to prove that COVID is a hoax.
May 27 — On a personal note, I’m up at the crack of dawn outside Costco to buy 16 boxes of adult Depends and a 10-year supply of Paxil and Ketel One.
May 28 — Angry Pacific Grove residents storm Asilomar to shake their fists vigorously at security guards protecting cruise ship refugees.
June 12 — Declaring that Americans should not live in fear and should always assert their freedoms against ridiculous government restrictions, governors of 17 states outlaw masks, zoo cages, automotive brakes and oven mitts.
June 15 — On a personal note, I discover that YouTube carries five consecutive hours of Looney Tunes cartoons. Best pandemic day ever!
June 26 — Sourdough starter oozes into crawl spaces and dog crates. Cannabis seeds and facial hair declare themselves sovereign nations.
July 4 — Tucker Carlson enjoys a huge surge in ratings after he celebrates Independence Day by ordering up 30,000 more deaths by the end of the month.
Secretary of Transportation Elaine Chao finds herself in hot water for using federal infrastructure improvement funds to repave her spouse’s ugly mug.
July 23 — Gov. Newsom announces a California economic recovery plan that includes color-coded tiers, phases of the moon, ping pong balls, the flip of a coin and the ghost of Grigori Rasputin.
July 31 — Pacific Grove mob unleashes wolverines into Asilomar to flush out cruise ship refugees.
August 12 — Defiant owner of charming Carmel restaurant reopens, but removes sneeze guards from salad bar and orders kitchen staff to stop washing hands after restroom visits. Meanwhile, our kooky Carmel artist dramatically illustrates that the pandemic is a hoax with her newest series of paintings, using pigments of spittle and snot.
September 10 — Insisting the virus isn’t as bad as it’s being portrayed in the mainstream media, POTUS and his family are issued aluminum-foil underwear and begin a regimen of daily mercurochrome dosages and laser light cleansings.
September 12 — Secretary of Transportation Elaine Chao finds herself in hot water for using federal infrastructure improvement funds to repave her spouse’s ugly mug.
September 23 — Sourdough starter takes neighbors hostage. Cannabis seeds turn into Wuhan mushroom clouds. Facial hair warrants most-wanted status by the FBI for “nefarious and felonious practices.”
October 15 — Gov. Newsom cancels Halloween and Thanksgiving; the governor is later spotted in line at a Pappy’s Breakfast Buffet without a mask.
November 4 — Our favorite kooky artist is elected mayor of Carmel.
November 6 — A business Zoom conference call ends in chaos when riot police are summoned to break up a virtual fistfight.
November 28 — On a personal level, I’m up at the crack of dawn to stand in line in front of Costco because of an undisclosed existential crisis.
December 1 — A defiant POTUS insists he won the election due to the fact that Jesus told him only handsome boys should be president.
December 13 — Gov. Newsom announces his revised economic recovery plan based on color-coded pushpins, a pair of plush rear-view mirror dice and the re-alphabetization of California’s counties.
December 24 — A defiant POTUS declares himself the winner after knocking the game board off the table.
January 1 — Happy New Year! This is happy, right? Please tell me this is happy!
January 6 — Sourdough starter attacks U.S. Capitol. Cannabis seeds rummage through Nancy Pelosi’s desk. Facial hair threatens to hang Mike Pence.
January 20 — On a personal note, Costco’s security forces ask me to “vacate the premises immediately” because the facial hair frightens employees. The cannabis seeds are shrieking into the abyss. The sourdough starter tells federal prosecutors it was “only following orders.”
February 21 — Our kooky Carmel artist/mayor, insisting that the pandemic is a hoax and that the vaccine is actually an insidious plot to implant microchips into the brains of dumb people, whines and complains through social media that Salinas residents are allowed to get their vaccinations before deserving white people.
March 2 — Gov. Newsom announces a revised recovery plan that allows counties to move from Purple Tier to Photon Laser-6 status with a system based on colored Post-it Notes, the sound of the wind at midnight, japa prayer beads and the wise counsel of his personal swami. The phased reopening means that school districts may reopen K-6 grade classrooms, except that fourth graders must stay home to finish their California Missions projects. The state Legislature approves a $1.7 billion bailout to supply California Mission popsicle sticks to fourth graders.
Today — On a personal note, I start the day feeding the dog before settling in to binge-watch Looney Tunes for 13 hours and strolling through the neighborhood, like an innocent without a worry in the world.
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