Royal’s silly holiday poem, yet again Happy December

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By Royal Calkins

Twas the week before Christmas of 2019
There had been better times, know what I mean?
The stock market was up but our spirits were down
Because to high office we had elected a clown

Still, Mother was bundled cozy in her fleece
While the rest of us fretted about the lack of world peace
The tots were ensconced safely in their beds
With visions of impeachment and removal dancing in their heads

Nationally, talk of impeachment roiled all the waves
With the GOP fellows acting the Orange Man’s slaves
Locally, political talk centered on water and how to desalt it
And conflicts of interests, stacks of cash and where they might put it

When up on the roof there arose such a ruckus
That we knew it wasn’t reindeer there to tuck us
Into our sleeping bags, all fluffy and warm
So instead we quickly sounded the alarm

It was the Fair Political Practices Commission
Investigating crimes active or by omission
They were checking the checkbooks of the hospitality boys
Making sure they hadn’t bought up all of the toys

Before they could be spread fairly to one and all
And not just to the people who want to put a mall
Right next to the racetrack, the one called Laguna Seca
If they can get enough water from the river or the lake-a.

But enough of this serious stuff, this gossipy griping
It’s time for elves and Santa suits trimmed with gold piping
It’s time to wish merry and make like we’re cheerful
Before those year-end reviews make us all tearful

So let’s let unleash now some seasonal salutations
And a tip of our hat to all those grateful nations
That we didn’t invade unless we really had to
And to the oligarchs, who are not you or you or you.

So happy happy say we to pencilish Adam Schiff
Look out on your dock, for you a new skiff
And to Nadler and Cuomo and Anderson Cooper
A shiny long-handled GOP pooper scooper

For that nice Devin Nunes boy, we baked you a pie
The cow kind, of course, let’s hope it’s not too dry
To mean Jim Jordan, the wrestler from Ohio
We wish a visit from some FBI guys we know

To Nancy Pelosi, Chris Cuomo but not Giuliani
A mistletoe kiss for two, for the third old salami
Hugs for Fiona Hill and strong Marie Yovanovitch
But nothing at all for that mean McConnell, Mitch

Closer to home, there’s plenty to be thankful for, too
Like that new racetrack plan from out of the blue
And the way the fights over weighted votes and water
Have created so much Voices and Squid Fry fodder

So let’s dig now into our holiday packages
And say Merry Xmas to that family of Atteridges
And to Mary Adams, Bobby Richards, Wendy Askew, Root
And OK, even Steve McShane, who can be such a hoot

This next year will be a big one for elections
From your ballot make judicious selections
Remember when the Herald helped us pick them?
Back before Cal Am ordered them to stop. Mmm?

To the marijuana growers, Grupo Flor and the rest
An ashtray full of roaches already put to the test
And for Nader Agha, the big mover and shaker
A vacation from the courthouse so he can rest

The pols made a mess when they legalized pot
But decided that all that cash simply cannot
Go into the bank where everyone can count it
Instead into pockets of dealers who flaunt it

Old politico Marc Del Piero, he had quite a year
What with all those Hamilton tickets causing great cheer
And stopping the Ferrini Ranch project dead in its tracks
Is worth a giant sleigh full of holiday snacks.

A holiday toast, too, to Gary Karnes, Beverly Bean and grumpy Dan Turner
Gabe Rosen, the Dukes, the Paks, get warm by the burner
Look, it’s Landau Davidson, dressed up like an elf
He must not have a mirror where he can see himself.

To Jane Parker, merry retirement, you cagey old soul
To sneaky Gesicki, just go off somewhere and smoke a bowl
Tyller W., John W., and sweet Loma L., each deserves a treat
The way our homeless friends deserve some heat

Merry Christmas, Pris, happy whatever Julie Engell, Leanne Graham
Jeff Baron, Regina Gage and smart Aparna Sreenivvasan
Fire up a log Pete Poitras, sip brandy with Ian Oglesby
Huddle with Steve Hunt, Nancy Garza and Joaquin Turner under the tree

Light a Unitarian candle with John Laird and the Griffin-Ortizes
Don’t fret over Gordon Smith, he does what he pleases
Let’s toast to Jane Haines with some of Ann Hougham’s great wine
And to make donations to Susan Spiegel’s food bank, get in line

To your health, David Jackson, to your jams, Pamela Dozier
Because of the season, forgive Luis Alejo, who’s been kind of a hoser
Where have you gone Amy White, way off in the highlands
Dancing with the jolly old wine guy, what’s his name, Tony Dann?

The Fureys, the Downeys, the Micas, the Dukeses
Should be glad they’re not in Massachusetts
The Scattinis, the Pezzinis, the Perelli-Minettis,
Each get a pumpkin pie from the back of the delis

Claudia M. Elijah Ramirez, Daniel Feldman, Lauren Polo
Nancy Selfridge, Mel Mason, Jason Campbell, the family Pomo,
Each of you toast Tom Graves, Larry Parsons, Jane Wallace and the dogs
Don’t forget Albert Maldonado, Zan Henson plus Erin and the other Foggs

Tony Barrera, the Gagne girls, Gail Morton, Edith Chinn
Hold up the mistletoe, don’t it smell like gin?
Sing carols to Mike and Molly, Craig Malin, Charles Lester, and Kelly, Kiley.
Monica Sciuto, Dave Stoldt, George Riley, George Riley, George Riley and more George Riley

Ugly Xmas sweaters to those grand twins Sara and Summer
The holidays without them would be a real bummer
A shake of the hand to funny Hugh Chaney and daughter Max
Whose kids Myles and Vinnie give me laughing attacks

Ho Ho Ho to every foster child, every ward of the court
Every forgotten kid, every person without a home port
Ann Hill, tall Art, that Davey Kellogg of little hair
Tommy Wright and the kids, Karen Ravn and the dogs, a pair.

To everyone actually, to everyone still reading
This exercise in nonsense, seasonal and possibly misleading
It is not meant to endorse, condone, oppose or even recognize the existence
Of any religion or lack thereof.

So Happy December to all you good souls who over the past couple of years have kept Voices of Monterey Bay alive through your knowledge and your willingness to share it, through your encouragement —spoken, silent or merely imagined — and through your donations at a time when there are so many organizations that also deserve support. Cheers!

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Royal Calkins

About Royal Calkins

Contributing writer Royal Calkins has worked for newspapers in Santa Cruz, Monterey and Fresno. For the past couple of years, he has produced a local news and commentary blog, the Monterey Bay Partisan. He can be reached at

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