Oh no, it’s time for more of those awful Christmas rhymes It's Royal Calkins' annual Christmas poem

By Royal Calkins

It’s the week before Christmas when the nights grow colder

The days get shorter, the bell ringers get bolder

To some it’s a merry time, days of big cheer

To others, it’s more of a chore even more so this year

The season descends on everyone but it’s not all the same

For some it’s truly holy, for some it’s kinda lame

But it’s still a time to take stock, to add the profits and losses

To reward the workers and ignore the worst of the bosses

Looking back on the year brings smiles to some faces

Because the local elections dealt us hands filled with aces

On the national scene, things were less of a success

Because the man in the White House is an unqualified mess

Bob Mueller is making like Santa filling stockings with subpoenas

Which leaves many of us laughing like hyenas

But the indictments fell short, impeachment plans were in a stall

Giving the Trumpster time to play his courses and stroll down his mall

Best to forget him for now, him and his tweets

And focus instead on candy canes and other dumb treats.

And on our neighbors, our friends, our kids and our readers

Who sustain us, and help us far more than most leaders

So a shout out to those who made 2018 at least good, maybe better

Let’s start with Neil Shapiro and knit him an Xmas sweater

For helping spread truth about the Carmel lawyers in suits

And the mayor with whom they were all in cahoots

Say bon voyage then to chipper Steve Dallas and dour Carolyn Hardy

Who won’t be around to wreck this holiday party

On a happier note, a holiday welcome to Tyller W. and nice Jon Wizard

A drumstick for Jeff Baron and for Dave Potter a big gizzard

Bon voyage to Timmy Barrett, Kimbley Craig and jolly Ralph Rubio

In a Christmas band, he’d play bells, she guitar and him a fat tubio.

The brightest star this year in the whole Peninsula sky

Was Measure J, of course, which made us all as high

As the shake and bud in all those new stores

Filled with edibles to spice up those chocolately S’Mores

A giant toast now to George Riley, Melodie Chislock, Ron Weitzman, Michael Baer

The way they smashed Cal Am Water, it seems almost unfair

The water folks like Tilden and Steadman and tricky Ricky Heuer

Don’t deserve Christmas crab, they should wait in the foyer

Toss some holiday sparkles at Irwin Speizer, Mary Adams and Kate Daniels

May Yuri Anderson’s stocking be filled with super cute spaniels

The ink-stained wretches cannot be forgotten this season

Though some days there is so little news that there’s hardly a reason

To get out of bed and call all their sources

Just so the news can be delivered next week via horses

But forgot them we won’t, not Felix Cortez, Christopher Salas, or Pamela Marino

For Julie Reynolds’ holiday beverage, let’s sneak in a maraschino

For Claudia Meléndez Salinas, Marcos Cabrera and nice Kathy McKenzie

Holiday greeting cards filled with cleverness and whimsy

Larry Parsons might growl at any present other than coal

So I might as well hold on to that shiny fishing pole

Joe Livernois deserves a year without stress or at least no flu

My present for Paul Miller is a nicely wrapped clue

Michael Hendrick, Mary Barker, and all the others at CHOMP

Deserve freshly pressed scrubs wherever they roam

Some figgy pudding for Jason Campbell, Craig Malin and Tommy Mancini

But just a dab for Howard Gustafson, who has been kind of a weenie

A tip of our cap to the seed man David Duke, but not that David Duke

For that David Duke gets nothing but a rebuke

The Mikas, of course, the Gigers and even Jan Shriner

Should unwrap gift cards or lotto tickets or something even finer

Under the mistletoe, Judy Lehman, Molly Erickson, Michael Stamp

With Bill Monning, Gordon Smith and Denese Leonard, she is such a scamp

Did I mention Karen Ravn, who’s recuperating as I write

May her 2019 be much better or at least all right

A bundle of Huggies and baby toys for Laith Agha, Nader’s boy,

And for Sara Rubin, some days off so she can discover her joy

A wave of warm wishes for Robert Montgomery, Susan Meister, Jane Haines

May the next year bring you many more smiles and fewer pains

Greg Furey deserves stockings filled with gold

Alison Kerr should be the DRO mayor until she gets old

Gail Morton,  Bruce Delgado, the Amadeos and Greg Brown

Should start a parade in Marina’s phantom downtown

I could keep going but I fear I’m running out of rhymes

There’s a shortage of doggerel in these days and these times

OK, a little more for Mary Duan, Larry Parrish, the Turners Jeanne and Dan

Everyone on Harper Canyon, the unions, and Michael’s cousin Stan

A shout-out to Olivia C, Anna C, Miles Ray and all of his folks

And Dean and Denise down the road who shared their duck yolks

There really comes a time though when I can’t slip in

Another piece of nonsense no matter how thin

I’d be straining even harder if I wrote about Richards, Bobby

Though I’d gladly help him escort Mozingo to the lobby

So celebrate, reflect, recharge, relax or whatever

Here’s wishing you the best last week of December

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Royal Calkins

About Royal Calkins

Contributing writer Royal Calkins has worked for newspapers in Santa Cruz, Monterey and Fresno. For the past couple of years, he has produced a local news and commentary blog, the Monterey Bay Partisan. He can be reached at calkinsroyal@gmail.com.

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