Yet another Christmas poem

OPINION |

By Royal Calkins

Note: I googled Royal Calkins and Christmas poem and AI responded almost accurately:

Royal Calkins, a semi-retired journalist and former editor of the Monterey Herald, is known for his contributions to Voices of Monterey Bay. His work often reflects his deep concern for the community and its residents. Calkins has been a part of the Operation Christmas Cheer campaign, which has raised significant funds for the Salvation Army’s assistance programs. His poems and articles are a testament to his commitment to helping those in need during the holiday season. 
Voices of Monterey Bay+2

Hmm, outdated but kinda true, and here we go again:

T’was almost the night before the night before Christmas

So there were sugar plums and those kind of things
Floating around the kids’ heads like a confetti fuss
And Santa on the roof with those deer

Mother was worn out from too much doomscrolling
Dad was in the den, adding up his debts
Molly was following ICE vans, Billy was supposedly bowling
And granny was having another big case of the frets 

Then one of the creatures slid downward in the snow
And landed on a neighbor, just back from Idaho
Where she’s thinking of moving because their taxes
Don’t go for welfare, or DEI or anything but potato subsidies

(If you’ve noticed that the rhyme scheme is off,
The doggerel more painful than ever before in this holiday staple
Just ignore it because it’s the surprise that counts
This line for instance, out of the blue will rhyme
But don’t expect anything like it the next time.)

Where were we, Santa asked, checking his maps
Didn’t I do this planned unit development already, chaps?
It’s a good ZIP code here, so have no fear
Santa will leave great presents over there and right here

But there in the flats, the eastside, the downscale
The plan is for self-determination, lumps of coal, old cheese
For the unfortunate must learn, says the Prez, that they are a fail
And the wealthy can do whatever the hell they please

But enough of this nonsense, these verses unmetered
History tells me this annual madness could become petered
Out, unless it’s more chipper about the folks of Monterey Bay
And that it’s names, Chuck, that will bring me a payday

So merry everything to the best public figure in town
Yes, again I mean George Riley, who never sports a frown
As long as there’s a chance that Cal Am will give up
And run off with its loot in a Cal Am pickup

And happy December to some friends, and also amends
To the Gigers, the Uccellis, the Figueroas and Patty Lamar
I hope Sarah and Summer don’t get too far
From home and that Ann Hill enjoys more time with her pup

Andrew Sandoval, Matt Huerta, Chris Barrera and John Flores
Can say bye-bye to the DA’s Office’s little Burritogate
So keep fighting for rent control before the rent soars and sores
Let’s wish for stabilization, needed for the entire state

Speaking of Salinas, here’s to Monterey County Weekly
For trying to expand bigly into the grand Salinas Valley
Folks, send them gift cards, and fruitcake, and cash
For the coverage otherwise will remain just weakly

Again, Adios mis amigos, Jose y Maria, you might not have a home here
If things continue as they are
So to all of us, we gift the strength to resist and do what’s right
Or we’ll wind up in a place terribly below par

Happy days to Dave Kellogg, smart Nancy Getris, evergreen Christian Schneider
Kate Daniels, Molly Erickson and her dad right beside her
Victoria Manley, Pam Dozier, the Farrells, Coarsegold’s Mark Kerr
Loma Livernois, Phil Penko, Tony Barrera, big Matt Luther

What else? Head rubs for the City Council of Monterey, 
For pushing affordable housing all the while knowing
That some voters will agree only when it’s snowing
And that it’s about damned time, don’t you say

Poinsettia seeds to the Dukes, angel wings to Margy Kay,
A backhand lob to Steven Hunt, a bowl game win for J.T. Byrne
A quick recovery for ol’ Glenn Church, for Luis Alejo, a new way
The rhyming’s getting weirder, but keep going and who knows?

Beverly Bean, take a bow for all that you’ve done
A tip of the farewell hat to sweet Larry Parrish
Joy Colangelo’s puff and produce, both have been fun
And Jane Haines is someone we always will cherish

Cheers to Richard Silver, Bobby Richards, old Glen Mozingo, 
Sweet Donald Mothershead, both Dennis Taylors, Jeanne and Pam Marino,
Artsy Charlsie Kelly, Doyle Moses, Jessica Tomei, Brad Wright,
To Paul Karrer, Pris Walton, Aparna Sreenivasan, a cozy Xmas night

Jan Shriner gets no coal, Eric Petersen need not dig a hole
Sygale Lomas creates grins wherever she goes
And Ginger Cabrera deserves a new healthier role
For Chris Fitz, how about a box of rings for his toes

What’s that? We’ve run our course, and so it’s past time
That we went to bed and stop trying to make things rhyme
So forgive the clunkers and our less than festive attitude
For we live at a time when some things feel just crude

Starting at the top, where the orange man will never replace
That cheerful bearded man in red, who’s flying all over the place
To all, keep your patience, your warmth and your spirit
One year down now, so I think we can survive it

It’s a terrible time, we all know, but we also understand
That it’s just a blip, something that can’t break this land
The Prez and his boys are like a virus, a cancer unplanned
But if we stick together and shout it out, happy days
And times of civility, fairness and good will
Will return and prove that they were more
Than just a wish

Happy Holidays, Monterey Bay and all you baby bays out there

Have something to say about this story? Send us a letter or leave a comment below.

SUPPORT NONPROFIT JOURNALISM

GET OUR FREE WEEKLY NEWSLETTER